I have been working on this one for a while. Tysgirl helped me get up the courage to post it. I think this has been a hard post to put out there since I am afraid of what people will say. In short, this is a serious post, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I know Zoe doesn't like long posts.
I really don't want kids. To be honest, I don't hate kids. I adore my nieces and nephew. I just don't think I want a child living with me full-time.
I have been thinking about the fact that I don't want any children lately. I don't know if it is because of the number of people I know who are having/planning to have babies or something else. Zoe, my best friend in real life, is planning to start a family soon. Tysgirl is pregnant. Lainey-J, one of my close friends, just had her second child. Almost all the women I know have children. I am definitely in the child-bearing age bracket. Maybe this is my version of the clock ticking.
I feel pretty conflicted about not wanting kids, not conflicted about the choice not to have kids, but conflicted about what that says about me. Lots of women are really surprised, almost off-put, when I say I don't want kids. When I was younger, I used to lie or just not comment since the reactions I got to saying I didn't want kids were so negative.
Part of me thinks that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I don't want my own kids. Is this some kind of sign of the inability to connect with people or something? Am I completely selfish? Is this decision of mine because I did not have a good relationship with my mom and I don't want to take that role? Part of me worries about what will happen to me when I am old. Will I be completely alone? But it strikes me as a terrible choice to have a child so when you are older, the child will feel indebted to spend time with you. Part of me feels like I am wasting something. I think could have a child (although honestly I never tried). So many women want one and can't have one or have problems. I almost feel ungrateful for not using my physical capabilities (and those of you who play hockey with me know I do not have many physical capabilities).
I know, in the end, that knowing myself well enough to know I do not want kids is good. And not giving in to societal pressure is important. I think my decision is a valid one, which should be as supported in society as having kids. But I sometimes wonder if there are other women like me not wanting kids but not wanting to say it either.
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12 comments:
A little birdy (Tysgirl) directed me this way.
Who are you and how did I not know that I had a twin sister out there!?
Seriously though, I could have written this post. Everything except for the "not having a good relationship with my mom" thing is me.
I have actually been telling people since I was 12 years old (why that age, I have NO idea) that I was never having kids. Most people laughed at me and said "You'll change your mind". I never did (I'm 37 years old now). So the laughter eventually turned to hostility (NEVER by my parents, thankfully) and I was stunned. I've been saying this my whole life, what's the big freaking deal now?!?
I've been told that it's a SIN that I'm not having kids. Give me a break, ya damn baby making machine freak.
I've been told I'm selfish. Pfft. Whatever, maybe I am.
But the most important thing I've been told (by my Mom) is that I'm smart. Not because she doesn't want a grandchild from me (she SO TOTALLY DOES!) but because she said the worst thing would be to have a child that truly wasn't wanted.
I am an awesome Aunt to my Niece and Nephew (I've been told that by too many people to count) and I truly feel that I am. But I think that's the true extent of my capabilities.
I don't dislike kids (I'm not a fan of screaming, rude, hellions, but who really is?) and they actually tend to be drawn to me. Is it my childlike mentality, perhaps? ;-)
The bottom line for me has always been this.... If I can't do the "Being a Mom" thing as well as or better than my Mom did, then I don't think it's fair to a child. I'm not able to give myself 150% to that child due to my other issues (impatience, slight OCD, extreme worrywart tendencies, etc) and to me, the best thing to do is to share the abundance of love and compassion I do have with everyone else's kids instead.
I still grapple though with the fact that I technically can have kids, but that I choose not to when so many women wish they could and can't. If there was an easy way to swap out girly parts, I'd do it in heartbeat. Heh.
Anyway, I'm glad you put this out here and I'm glad that Tysgirl pointed me here.
You are not alone and I personally salute you and will wave my "Not having kids" flag proudly with you!
In my opinion it's incredibly rude for anyone (family included) to harass a woman about why she doesn't have children. It's a personal choice for you to make and it's ridiculous to ever feel like you need to defend yourself.
As someone who's getting ready to be a mother, I can assure you that having friends like you and phollower will mean the world to Zoe and BP when they have their baby.
i think that not having children when you don't want children makes a whole lot more sense than having kids because your uterus is capable of expansion, pressure from friends and family, or some vague sense that it will improve a collapsing relationship.
i have several friends who chose not to have children and the man of the house has been to the vet to make sure of things. they're very happy with their choice. i'm pleased they knew what they wanted and acted accordingly.
there are too many kids who are well aware that their existence is an unfortunate accident and are unwelcome in the world. adding to that number just adds to the tragedy.
Put me firmly in the "no kids" category, too. I fully admit to not having the patience for kids nor the tolerance for the vast majority of kids either. Wee ones have to be very close for me to build up a tolerance. I seem to have the general nurturing skills of a rabid wombat - unless it's my little sister... or a dog. :) We are perfectly happy with our little family of two and Mr Poochie Pie.
Hubs and I have felt the fallout from our decision to remain kid-less within our family and (of all places) in professional circumstances. Then, I do feel like an edge case. What really torques me though is when people I barely know will say that it will all be different when I change my mind. *insert eye roll here*
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you or Phollower for making the decisions you both have.
Damn...I could write more but it's 3 in the morning! This is one of my hot button topics :)
the q: I am glad Tysgirl sent you. We really do have similar experiences, and it is nice to hear from other women who feel like I do. I got the same "you'll change your mind" line when I was younger (much like I am sure lkmanitou does now). I hear you about switching out the girly parts with a woman who can't have a child.
Tysgirl: I am SUPER excited for BP and Zoe's baby. I am on the babysitting list. And I just met LaineyJ's new little one who is so sweet and amazing. Our friend AK has two of the best little kids I have ever met. I do love being with kids. I just don't want one of my own. I hope we are able to help Zoe and BP.
Dykewife: Phollower and I did that as soon as he had a job with medical insurance (about 1 week after it was in effect). About the same time (age 27), I had surgery for endometriosis. I asked the OB-surgeon about tube tying while she was in there. She refused saying I would change my mind and want kids later. When Phollower went to the doctor, they just did it. They didn't question that he would change his mind.
Lkmanitou: I am so glad I have friends like you and Hubs. We can keep telling each other that our choice is fine even if other people disagree.
I totally support your decision and agree with tysgirl that it's rude of anybody to say or imply that you should want/have kids. And yes, I think this pressure is more directed toward women than men. (I can remember similar comments during the six years we were married without kids.) It's true that there are women who want kids and can't have them, but I'd guess that there are far more who have kids and can't care for them properly. So you shouldn't feel bad for not using your physical capabilities. If you want to look at it from a moral perspective, consider the huge environmental and societal impact of overpopulation.
Btw, I'm so glad to have you as Aunt Sylvia to our kids.
I don't think you should worry about having to explain your decision to anyone, or feel guilty about it either. I also don't believe that it's selfish to not want children either. I think it's good that you know yourself and you don't bring kids into this world who you don't really want.
Perhaps some of your feelings about having kids of your own is based on your realationship with your mother, and you having taken on quite a lot of responsibility in raising your siblings, but what difference does that make. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. The reason doesn't matter and is no ones business but your own.
I think you're a fantastic aunt to your neices and nephew, and you'll be great with our kids too. Even though those (and my) kids aren't yours, you play,and will play a very important role in their lives.
I think you're a horrible person, but that's only because you root for the Sabres.
Limpy: At least I am not the fan of a defunct hockey team! How sad would that be?
Thanks to all of you. I kind of felt like that was a horrible secret, like to say you didn't want kids was wrong. I feel a lot better. This is like free therapy! But seriously, really thank you.
I'm tempted to say I told you so! I'm glad you posted this. I think no matter how confident a woman is in her decisions, a little validation never hurts.
Hmmm, is it because I'm a lesbian that I have never gotten any pressure? Rarely people ask me if I'm interested, and when I say not really, they don't seem upset, or surprised. Either my ineptness is obvious, I look completely selfish, or they still haven't figured out I'm a girl yet.
Every once in awhile I think being pregnant would be cool, you know, to experience that with my body, because I can. But I know that then you're stuck with it for 18 years, and I figure I'll watch someone else do it. And read blogs about it.
As far as feeling guilty for not using my healthy body-- the world is well populated, we don't really NEED more humans. So the zealots who think it is our duty are just zealots.
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