Cleaning the Closets

Ok...you got me. I was not actually cleaning. I was looking for something. I could swear I still had my Madonna Desperate Seeking Susan jacket from the 80s. You may be wondering to yourself why I was looking for it. Well, Phollower and I are going to a college tradition in these parts wherein you show up to the bars early (like 7 AM) to start drinking in honor of a home football game.

And you go in costume. If you are wondering why I have/had something like this jacket, you know where you can go.

And if you are wondering why we are going to be involved in this undergraduate tradition, I really don't know. One moment of insanity and a lifetime of keeping to my obligations is my best answer.

Anywho...I did not find said jacket. However, I did find the following:
a copy of my undergraduate thesis, along with a large packet of notes for preparation of said thesis (threw out)
a diary from 5th grade (saved this)
my yearbooks from junior and senior years (saved these)
textbooks from undergraduate (donating)
my first baby doll, covered in mold (threw out)

Nicer things I found included: love letters to Phollower from me and to me from Phollower from when we dating and our wedding centerpiece.

Sadly, I found the old wedding favor and program from my friend's first wedding. His wife, a wonderful woman, died shortly after of leukemia.

But the best thing I found was all my favorite books from when I was a kid. I had been saving them for my nieces and nephew but I forgot about them. Maybe they will still want some of them. Maybe Zoe will want some for her and BPs little one.

To Bear or Not to Bear....

I have been working on this one for a while. Tysgirl helped me get up the courage to post it. I think this has been a hard post to put out there since I am afraid of what people will say. In short, this is a serious post, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I know Zoe doesn't like long posts.

I really don't want kids. To be honest, I don't hate kids. I adore my nieces and nephew. I just don't think I want a child living with me full-time.

I have been thinking about the fact that I don't want any children lately. I don't know if it is because of the number of people I know who are having/planning to have babies or something else. Zoe, my best friend in real life, is planning to start a family soon. Tysgirl is pregnant. Lainey-J, one of my close friends, just had her second child. Almost all the women I know have children. I am definitely in the child-bearing age bracket. Maybe this is my version of the clock ticking.

I feel pretty conflicted about not wanting kids, not conflicted about the choice not to have kids, but conflicted about what that says about me. Lots of women are really surprised, almost off-put, when I say I don't want kids. When I was younger, I used to lie or just not comment since the reactions I got to saying I didn't want kids were so negative.

Part of me thinks that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I don't want my own kids. Is this some kind of sign of the inability to connect with people or something? Am I completely selfish? Is this decision of mine because I did not have a good relationship with my mom and I don't want to take that role? Part of me worries about what will happen to me when I am old. Will I be completely alone? But it strikes me as a terrible choice to have a child so when you are older, the child will feel indebted to spend time with you. Part of me feels like I am wasting something. I think could have a child (although honestly I never tried). So many women want one and can't have one or have problems. I almost feel ungrateful for not using my physical capabilities (and those of you who play hockey with me know I do not have many physical capabilities).

I know, in the end, that knowing myself well enough to know I do not want kids is good. And not giving in to societal pressure is important. I think my decision is a valid one, which should be as supported in society as having kids. But I sometimes wonder if there are other women like me not wanting kids but not wanting to say it either.

Since Zoe won't tell it

So here is the Wii story that Zoe won't tell.

Phollower, Zoe, BP, and I were at Best Buy the other night getting a new Wii game for them. We saw the new Wii Fit advertising. I am not the thinnest, nor the heaviest, woman you will ever meet. But I am pretty self-conscious about my weight. I am always watching what I eat and I work out almost every day. So of course, I am a sucker for the new Wii Fit. I took one of the little brochures and started reading it.

Me (reading to Phollower, Zoe, and BP): You choose a Mii to be you in the game. And, oh no, it says here that the balance board weighs you when you get on it. That's just what I need in the house, another thing that weighs me.

Zoe (moving hands in an outward direction as she talks): I wonder if the Mii size changes depending on how you weigh in.

She claims I just missed the hand movements inward and only saw the outward ones. I have to believe her since she is a good friend and would not say I was fat right in Best Buy. But I can not stop teasing her like she did.

Good thing one of us is sensitive

Our friend, Lucy, has been going through a rough patch with her roommates. Long story short, they had a party she did not want to happen. She left for the night and came home the next day to piss and puke on the carpet and walls, still uncleaned by said roommates at about 4 PM the next day. She was talking to Phollower, Zoe, and I about it shortly after it happened. She suddenly started to cry. Lucy has never cried in front of me, and I think she does not cry easily. Zoe and I sat there for a minute just looking at her, as if we were dumbfounded with what to do at this point. In case you have not picked it up from Zoe and my blogs, sensitive touchy-types we are not. In fact, she and I have been close friends for years, and I could count on one hand the number of times we have hugged one another. Phollower is so much less emotionally stunted. He rushed in and put his arm around her and comforted her. I, of course, followed his lead. Oh yeah - comforting her, that's what you do with crying people. Why didn't I think of that?

Polar Opposites

Weinercats and Phollower were discussing reseating a toilet the other day. This is a job Phollower and I think is odious, requiring (mostly for my benefit I imagine) a ton of hand washing, tool washing, floor washing,...you get the idea. Weinercats said she and her partner were less "anal" (ba-dum-dum). Weinercats told Phollower a little story to demonstrate the difference. Weinercats' partner works with animals all day. Here is the picture as it was painted by Phollower: Weinercats' partner is holding the butt end of a large animal while they are working on it, reaches over, takes a bite of her sandwich, goes back to holding such animal still. Notice - no hand washing step. Just before he told me this story, I had eaten lunch. I wanted to read the book I borrowed from the library during lunch. Before getting the book out, I had thought to myself - are there too many germs on a library book to read it while I am eating? I would definitely have to wash my hands between butt holding and sandwich eating.