Another Funny Movie Story

In my earlier post, I referred to another funny movie story. I know all two of you readers have been waiting on pins and needles, so here it is.

Back in 1995, I went to see Apollo 13 with some friends. Toward the end of the movie, someone around us said something about the astronauts getting back. My friend says, under his breath, "Oh great! Now they ruined the ending!"

We all cracked up. I probably have only laughed that hard at a handful of movies, and not usually at stuff that was supposed to be funny, like the blimp scene in The Mummy Returns. That movie made me laugh until I cried!

Communication Breakdown

Phollower, Zoe, and I just finished our NHL hockey draft for our fantasy teams. For those of you involved in the "pick em" league Phollower and I run, this was a different league. Don't worry that info will be coming to you via email soon. If you are not in that league and want to be, email me.

Anyway, we were drafting with some people in Buffalo, including my brother, Kaaarrrl. We usually use "gmail chat" to communicate. This year, Kaaarrrl got really saavy and made an online spreadsheet document in gmail which could be updated online. Very cool. It worked awesome.

Anyway, Zoe was sitting next to me. We both had the gmail doc open. I had a chat window open to "talk" to my brother. Zoe asked if she should initiate a chat session with me so she could send me her picks. I told her she could just tell me verbally since we were in the same room. That's me, crazy low-tech girl!

:ok

For those of you who are waiting to hear the review of True Blood, I am giving it another couple of weeks. Right now, I am not impressed. It seems very reminiscent of the Twilight series.

Instead of a real review, I have a funny story about my Dad to tell, which coincidentally fits with the running theme of "all things butts" here at my blog.

Text message from my Dad: "Colon all ok"
This leads me to believe I have forgotten that something was amiss about his colon. Usually, I am not one to forget cancer scares.
Me back: "Were we expecting something else?"
Dad back to me: "Nope, just routine check. Keeping you updated."

One the one hand, I am glad to have such an open relationship with my Dad. I would worry if I thought that he might not be ok. But on the other hand, I kind of think, "no news is good news" on issues of colons, breasts, and pap smears. Keep that in mind if you are thinking you need to report in. I am assuming you are ok until I hear otherwise.

I told Phollower, BP, and Zoe about the exchange (of course). This led to the usual stupid jokes (of course), which I can not help but share with you - since we are all so crazy funny! :)

Phollower: You should tell him that I checked, and your colon is ok too.
[Then imagine the sound of little, perverted wheels turning.]
Phollower: He could have just typed ":ok"
Zoe: How long would you have stared at that wondering what the face meant.
BP: It's a surprised guy with an open mouth in a bow tie, like the look on your Dad's face when he was getting his colon checked.
[BP then made the face.]
BP: Wow, your Dad has his own emoticon!

So there you have it, Dad. If you are still reading my blog, I am sure you regret it now.

They may need more donations

So as those of you who read Zoe's blog know, she and BP are planning to start their family this fall. YEAH Zoe and BP!! But of course, since nothing is sacred in our little circle of friends.....

Phollower: You may go through a lot of sperm.
Zoe: Well you can only try once per month.
Me: Can't you have it on hand, like in the freezer, in case you want to try again a day later, just to maximize the ovulation period?
Phollower (making hand motions like he is squirting something on his neck): But then BP would just be using the extra to go for the money shot.

The Twelve-Year-Old Girl in Me

The fourth book in the Twilight series is coming out on Saturday. I am so excited, I can barely sit still. And EVERYONE around me knows about it! Those of you who read this blog have seen my inept and gushing reviews of the first 3 books, so I am sure you are groaning now. I even took a day off last week and spent about 1/2 of the day reading Stephenie Meyer's (the author's) website and blogs about the books and the movie (coming out 12-12-08). This type of excitement is much like how I felt the first time Zoe, B.P., Phollower, and I went to see Melissa Ferrick. She came out after the concert to sign CDs, shirts, etc. We waited for her, talked to her, and then returned to the car (where Phollower waited) giggling like school girls. In the car on the way home we rehashed what she said, what we said, what happened. Phollower told us we were acting like 12-year-old girls, a comment I (we) have heard many times since then.

Phollower does not mean it in a negative way. He thinks it is cute that I act like that. I have to agree that acting like a 12-year-old girl is alright. To the best of my recollection, as a teenager, I never acted like a teenager. I was pretty serious kid, worried a lot, and never felt comfortable with myself. While I may not always be comfortable with myself now, I do feel comfortable being excited about stuff, showing I am excited. I think part of my comfort comes with the security of knowing, as an adult, the stuff I am excited about will happen. Those things are in my control. But I also know having a husband like Phollower who is so into being happy and relaxed and who is so accepting has gone a long way to helping me be comfortable with showing how I feel on the outside. Spending (wasting) a 1/2 day reading about a fictional book is an indulgence I would never have allowed myself, before Phollower. Finally, I know having great friends who share their emotions with me and who are comfortable with themselves has taught me not to be ashamed of my emotions. So thanks to those of you closest to me, you will all have to endure at least one more post about Twilight (after I read the book, no spoilers of course!)....well maybe 2 depending on how the movie is.

I hope all of you looking forward to the book get some sleep before Saturday!

Since Zoe won't tell it

So here is the Wii story that Zoe won't tell.

Phollower, Zoe, BP, and I were at Best Buy the other night getting a new Wii game for them. We saw the new Wii Fit advertising. I am not the thinnest, nor the heaviest, woman you will ever meet. But I am pretty self-conscious about my weight. I am always watching what I eat and I work out almost every day. So of course, I am a sucker for the new Wii Fit. I took one of the little brochures and started reading it.

Me (reading to Phollower, Zoe, and BP): You choose a Mii to be you in the game. And, oh no, it says here that the balance board weighs you when you get on it. That's just what I need in the house, another thing that weighs me.

Zoe (moving hands in an outward direction as she talks): I wonder if the Mii size changes depending on how you weigh in.

She claims I just missed the hand movements inward and only saw the outward ones. I have to believe her since she is a good friend and would not say I was fat right in Best Buy. But I can not stop teasing her like she did.

Meta-tags

Zoe told me that BP could show me how to put meta-tags in my blog code so that search engines will find it for particular key words.

Me: That would be cool. I could put tags like "aquarium", "books", and "hockey". And since my blog is so funny, I have to put "funny" too.
Zoe: I think I will put "political" and "spiritual" since my blog is so spiritual.

Apparently Zoe thinks my blog is as funny as her blog is spiritual. For those who are not reading her blog: 1) you should and 2) it is not a bit spiritual.

Car Shopping with Me

So Phollower, Zoe, Betty Please, and I went to look at Mini Cooper Clubman. This car is my newest obsession. Here's a little run-down of the questions and concerns brought up by each party to the saleswoman.

I had very few questions, all pertaining to cosmetics. I wanted to see the sunroof. I wanted to see different fabric interiors (do I want leather/cloth, leatherette, different colors) and to know whether the cars on the lot all had the chrome line interior added. I wanted clarification on the Sirius satellite radio. I spent a fair amount of time trying to decide if I wanted the hot chocolate with black bonnet stripes, the lightning blue with black bonnet stripes, or the lightning blue with silver bonnet strips, deciding about interior surface colors, etc.

Betty Please asked about crash test ratings, particularly for side impact. She is concerned about the suicide door, but it is a half door so she is less concerned.

Zoe and Phollower spent the first 5 minutes rooting through the boot of the car in the showroom, muttering to each other. What was the discussion about? I found out when one of them asked the saleswoman where the spare tire was. She said it did not have one. That was okey dokey with me. I don't do anything with the spare but call a repairman anyway. He could bring a tire. But Phollower followed up by asking what to do if you got a flat. It turns out the 16" tires are run-flats. Those are an upgrade from the standard 15" tires, as Phollower pointed out, recalling from his brief perusal of the description of the Clubman I built online I had printed and brought with me. I have spent hours on the website and could have told you lots about options, but nothing about tires.

We did not buy one yet. I am still deciding. But whether I buy it or not, thank FSM I have friends like the 3 of them to look out for me. I'd end up completely screwed. But my car would be CUTE!

Good thing one of us is sensitive

Our friend, Lucy, has been going through a rough patch with her roommates. Long story short, they had a party she did not want to happen. She left for the night and came home the next day to piss and puke on the carpet and walls, still uncleaned by said roommates at about 4 PM the next day. She was talking to Phollower, Zoe, and I about it shortly after it happened. She suddenly started to cry. Lucy has never cried in front of me, and I think she does not cry easily. Zoe and I sat there for a minute just looking at her, as if we were dumbfounded with what to do at this point. In case you have not picked it up from Zoe and my blogs, sensitive touchy-types we are not. In fact, she and I have been close friends for years, and I could count on one hand the number of times we have hugged one another. Phollower is so much less emotionally stunted. He rushed in and put his arm around her and comforted her. I, of course, followed his lead. Oh yeah - comforting her, that's what you do with crying people. Why didn't I think of that?

Kids these days!

Lucy, Phollower, and I were driving back from hockey tonight with another girl we play with. She had recently seen Horton Hears a Hoo and said they had called the mayor a "boob" which she thought was kind of weird. Phollower explained that when Dr. Seuss was writing, in the 60s and 70s "boob" was a slang term for idiot or moron. Lucy says, "How do you know that? You guys weren't alive then were you?!?" Yes, Lucy, we were alive almost 40 years ago - thanks for asking.

Somebody's Sister

Phollower and I heard that our high school class is planning a 20 year reunion this year. Yes - we went to high school together (but were not high school sweethearts). And yes - it has been 20 years since we graduated (much to my surprise). Finding out was like getting a little "hey - you're old!" email. We went to high school with my brother-in-law, Trapper John. We hope that this means that if we go, Trapper John and my sister, MrsOz, will also go.

Bit of back story: I switched into the school in my senior year. And while I had friends (including Phollower), I certainly did not have an opportunity to meet everyone in the school, let alone everyone in my year. In fact, MrsOz knows about as many people (if not more) that I went to high school with as I do. She remembers everyone she meets. We used to joke she'd meet someone at a bar and say, "Oh I remember you. We were in kindergarten together!" And MrsOz is more pretty and charismatic than I am, but at least she is humble about it. In fact, Zoe jokes that when MrsOz comes to visit and I introduce her to my friends, like the people I play hockey with, that I become "MrsOz's sister" instead of Sylvia.

Anyway, Phollower and I imaging the get together will go something like this:
Graduate A: So you said your name was?
Me: Sylvia Xxxx (note: I am not Mrs. Phollower as I did not take his last name)
Graduate A: Nice to meet you. Have you met TrapperJohn's wife? I think she said her last name used to be Xxxx. She said she was someone's sister who we went to high school with but I didn't know that person.

Oh well. Maybe MrsOz will introduce me around at the party at least!

If Zoe were in a sitcom....

Don't think, by this post, that I don't love Zoe. I do. She is one of my best friends. But she has a few personality quirks (as we all do), and every time I watch The Big Bang Theory I think of her. If she were made into a sitcom, she would play the role of Sheldon. Sheldon is a child prodigy, quantum physicist. He went to college at 12 or something like that. But what makes him like Zoe are his neurotic tendencies. For example, he has a particular spot in the living room where he has to sit, even if it means asking someone else to move. Sheldon hangs out with 3 other guys. In one episode, one of them gets a girlfriend, meaning there are only 3 in their group. The 3 guys go to dinner. They usually order dumplings (which come as an order of 4) and 4 entrees and then split the food. But can not order since the food will not be able to be divided equally, which is NOT ok with Sheldon. The other 2 suggest ordering just 3 entrees, not 4, but Sheldon does not like that idea since it means changing their usual order. They also suggest they cut the 4th dumpling into thirds, but Sheldon does not want that since it makes the dumpling not a dumpling anymore.

Want more? Here are a few more you.tube clips:
Here he is compulsively cleaning.
Here he is describing the the physics of Superman.

You may ask how this relates to Zoe. Well I don't have the video clips, but let me describe.
Zoe organizes her glassware so that the like glasses are together in the cupboard. If BP puts them away on different shelves, she sometimes has to get up and rearrange the glass cupboard. In fact, it drives Zoe crazy that I purchase non-matching glasses. When I was showing someone new around my house one time, Zoe came into the kitchen for just one reason - to tell the person that my glasses don't match and I buy them that way (horrors!).
When we went to see Cloverfield at the theater, she was upset that we chose to sit on the left side of the theater since she "can't sit on that side." Unlike Sheldon, she toughed it out. She can not, no matter what, sit with her back to a window or door.
Zoe notices if the little wooden boxes which come in some games we play as markers are not cut exactly square. Both Zoe and Sheldon are creatures of habit.

Even with these little quirks, we all still love Zoe. I think one of the reasons I love that show so much is that it reminds me so much of her. And, in her defense, she is more flexible than Sheldon.

Is that lube?!?

Here's a little story Phollower told me about a guy in our co-ed hockey league. We'll call this guy ND. And before I start, I am going to say that ND seems like a really nice guy, not skeevy at all. Well, it seems ND came in to the locker room and told Phollower he just saw some of the girls coming into the rink. And he saw something hanging off one of the girl's hockey bags that looked like lube. He told Phollower that he knew it could not be lube, but it just looked so much like it. And that he was thinking he needed to stop by the women's locker room more often. Upon further inspection, he saw that it was hand sanitizer. Phollower said "That was my wife." In truth, I think both Zoe and I have hand sanitizer hanging off our bags, but Phollower did not know that. When I see ND again, I am going to tell him that I don't know what goes on in the guys locker room, but I heard he may be in need of some lube and that he should know we don't have any in the women's locker room.

It Isn't Littering If No One Sees You!

Lucy is a friend of ours who plays hockey with us and usually rides with us to hockey. She is not from the US, the importance of which will become clear, assuming my story-telling is at all adequate. She was eating an apple today on the ride in to practice. When we came back to the car after practice, there was an apple core on the ground in the parking spot next to ours. I said, "Lucy is that your littering there?" She gives me the patented "Lucy" look (which if you know her, you know the look), saying it is but she's not admitting to it. So Phollower says, "You think because this isn't your country, you can just trash it up?" (see I told you the foreigner info would come into play) In defense of herself, she says, "No. There was a car there when I threw it there. I did not want to carry it to the rink, and it is biodegradable!" So for the kids out there, the moral of the story is - if no one sees you, then it's not littering, especially if said item will eventually rot on its own. The lesson for me is keep my eye on Lucy when she's eating in the car!

As an addendum, and in her defense, she did offer to pick it up, but that is so gross. Who knows what is on the garage floor! And Lucy is actually a very nice person, pretty funny too. I am sure she will learn from this little faux pas.

Technically Speaking,

We were at a hockey game last night and the referee called an infraction. Zoe turned to Jack and I and said "what was the call?" I raised my hand in the air and began to open and close my fist in response. Zoe looked at me like - how does that help? Jack, always the verbal one, said "hand pass." Always the one with the technical definitions (or the one with word finding problems), all I could think of was "touched with hand and gave to someone else."

My Friends

Picture it (as Sophia of Golden Girls fame liked to say)...I am camping with my handsome husband and my two of my best friends, Zoe and BP. We are playing cards at the picnic table, thoughtfully included by the local Park's Service personnel with our campsite. It is dark out, and we are using headlamps for light. This lighting solution is entertaining as each time one of us wants to look at another person at the table, we blind them with said headlamps. We have since purchased a fine lantern for these kinds of activities. However, I digress. I am sitting facing the campsite next to ours. I see the two men staying at that campsite get up and go into their tent. A bit later, I look up from my cards, not at their tent mind you, but since I am facing it, I am, unfortunately, looking in the direction of the tent. I say, "Don't everyone look at once, but I think the two guys in the campsite next to us are having sex and left the lantern on in their tent." Can you see where this is going? If you can, you'd fit right in with the 4 of us. The other 3 all turn, in unison, to look at the tent. This means 4 little spotlights are now directed at their tent. I guess Phollower, Zoe, and BP all figured the other 2 would wait while they looked first. That was their miscalculation.